


Consumption

by Cameron_Why



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, MMWP, Marauders, Mental Health Issues, Sexual Content, Triggers, ednos/osfed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2017-04-12
Packaged: 2018-10-18 00:31:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10605561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cameron_Why/pseuds/Cameron_Why
Summary: Boarding school au where Sirius is a little fucked up and Remus is a lot fucked up but they need each other, not in that way... yet





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi knowing me this will remain incomplete for months to come but fuck I had this idea and it's been an invasive thought in my head for weeks so i done gone written it thanks love you bye.

The second last year of school was, in a way, the most challenging. Close enough that you can see the end, but too far from it to start planning your way out.  
St Godric’s Private school was no exception. James Potter was already trying to get signed to play rugby professionally, Sirius Black was being dragged into a law degree by his family, and Peter Pettigrew was looking at what trade suited him best.  
However, Remus Lupin, unlike all his friends, was terrified of a life outside of school. It was his sanctuary. Not that he was happy there, quite the opposite actually, but it gave him time away from the watchful eyes of his parents to indulge in many of his favourite past times; seventh year boys and sleepless nights, to name two.  
He slumped into the only train carriage with people that tolerated him, some more than others. He liked having friends, but he knew he’d never see them again once school was over. Well, he hoped he’d stay friends with Sirius.  
They all spent summer with each other, and even though Remus was invited, he’d never go.  
“Alright summer Rem?” James asked, as if months hadn’t passed since they’d spoken a word to each other.  
“You could say that” he said with a laugh, pitying that the best part of his summer were the nights he snuck off to the park to meet up with guys he barely knew for a little relief.  
But of course Sirius fucking Black had the audacity to sit there looking pretty of all things. It was no secret that Remus Lupin was gay, and liked to fuck any guy he could, having slept with practically every queer guy at Godric’s, but he had marked Sirius a no-go zone years ago. Sirius was the only one who knew about Remus’ condition, and as much as Remus wanted to ravage Sirius, he knew that his destructive nature, his want to hurt and be hurt during sex, would not arouse Sirius, but arouse suspicion. He couldn’t face an increased number of quizzical looks and late night forced chats on the roof over cigarettes, and he knew that he was nothing but trouble for a boy with enough problems of his own. Sirius didn’t need a failed mess of a human to weigh him down as a friend, let alone anything else.  
“You look well” said Peter innocently as Sirius buried his head in his hands, knowing the weight that comment would have on Remus.  
“Thanks Pete” He replied hollowly, his limited optimism for the day fading fast. He was already exhausted and closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to hear tales of all the fun the three boys had without him over the break.  
Remus wasn’t sure how much time passed until Sirius shook his shoulder lightly.  
“Remus, we’re here”  
He blinked blearily and looked up to see the carriage empty save for the two of them.  
“Wanna walk the long way to the dining hall?” Sirius asked knowingly, not that Remus would want to talk, but he needed to, even if he didn’t let on. Even if he just needed to listen.  
“I’d prefer the long way to the dorm” Remus grumbled under his breath, but took Sirius’ hand up nonetheless and followed him across the grounds.  
“… and he met up with Evans once, and you should’ve heard him rave on! The poor sod got to hold her hand and hasn’t shut up since…”  
Remus really was trying to pay attention to Sirius’ emphatic retellings of the summer, but both boys knew there were unasked questions hanging in the air that Sirius would ask but Remus wouldn’t answer.  
The silence lingered between them until Sirius could take it no longer.  
“How were your parents over the summer?”  
Remus grit his teeth and cryptically sidestepped the question.  
“fine”  
“I meant with you, did they monitor your intake”  
“Pads, I can’t talk about it right now”  
He slid down the brick wall of the back of the chapel, letting his feet glide over the gravel and relishing in the scrapes down his back.  
Sirius sat next to him and placed his hand over the other boy’s. Not in a romantic way, or a sexual way, just as a comfort, a friend.  
Which complicated a lot of things in Remus’ already infected fun-house of a mental state.  
“And you?” Remus said quietly after several deep breaths.  
“Things were pretty rough the first week of break, but once I stayed with James it picked up…” Sirius trailed off.  
“You cut?” Remus asked bluntly, never one to beat around the bush, his friend’s mental health topping his list of priorities.  
“… no”  
All Remus had to do was arch an eyebrow.  
“Once”  
Remus silently slung his arm over Sirius’ shoulder and let Sirius lean against him. They had an understanding, an unspoked rule that they’d each give the other exactly what they needed. It blurred the line of friendship in both directions sometimes, but between forced meals and late night hand holding, they got by.  
“Look at this though” Sirius said as he worked a finger into each nostril and flipped down a little black horseshoe.  
Remus laughed for the first time in months and mussed up Sirius’ hair.  
“You bloody ponce” He said endearingly.  
“I think it’s rather punk, dear Moony” Sirius said in a singsong voice. Obviously not punk enough to risk breaking dress code, as he flicked it back up into his nose so it was unseen.  
They sat for a while, just enjoying each other’s company, until they heard the bell ring for the end of dinner.  
“Shit” Sirius said, sitting bolt upright, “We should’ve eaten”.  
“It’s fine” yawned Remus, “They feed us five times a fucking day in this place, and I’m sick of having food shovelled down my throat”  
“James’ mum packed me sandwiches for the train that I never ate” Sirius said out loud, but what he said with those piercing puppy eyes was really ‘Remus you say you’re fine and you look healthy but I’m still concerned about you and I know you want to lose all the weight your parents made you put on over the summer but I need you to take care of yourself so please just have half a fucking sandwich for me’.  
“I’m fine” He smiled back, “I’d rather go crash in the dorm, I’m bloody exhausted” ‘exhausted of people trying to feed me so please Pads just let me skip one meal so I can have the slightest bit of control, I promise I won’t get as bad this time, I know what I’m doing’.  
“Till breakfast then” Sirius said, offering his hand to pull Remus up.  
“Till breakfast” He agreed, taking the hand and Sirius’ help as they found their way back to the dorm, a little less broken than they were before.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wus poppin I'm sleepless traaaaaaash so expect quick updates lmao

Remus slept soundly through the night for the first time in months. He woke up feeling like he might actually want to live that day.   
He slowly got dressed in his uniform and remembered how good it felt to be at school again, to have some order, some control. Amongst the parts of his life that fell victim to strict regime and extreme results were his grades. Remus didn’t know what he wanted to do after school, but it was already apparent that he had the marks to get into practically any university course.   
He planned to go straight to the library and get a start on his prescribed texts, until Sirius exited the bathroom and caught him just about to leave.   
“Going to breakfast without me?” Sirius asked brightly, as code for ‘like hell I’m letting you skip two meals in a row’.  
“I was going to visit the library, but I guess I can do that between classes” He said through gritted teeth. “I bet this is revenge for me confiscating his flick-knife’.   
They collected their other roommates and all four boys made their way over to the dining hall and slumped down at their usual spot. Remus had somehow snuck a mug of coffee from the teacher’s table and was staring at a banana like it was going to attack him.   
James and Peter tucked into sausages and eggs, the smell of which made Remus gag, and Sirius gave him a knowing glance as he buttered himself a slice of toast.   
Eating anything was hard for Remus. He had a certain way to do it, and that way was not in front of an entire student body. Part of him hated Sirius for making him do this, and the other part was Sirius’ best friend. He took a deep breath, peeled the banana slowly, broke of small pieces, and chewed consciously.   
Remus’ disorder was a little different from a typical eating disorder. He just saw it as the way he was, but doctors had some special acronym for it, that basically meant to Remus that he was too fat to be anorexic and lacked the commitment to be bulimic. After a torturous summer, he had resolved to try to stop worrying everyone around him. It was easy to lie to his parents, his psychologist, his friends-  
He couldn’t lie to Sirius.   
After he had downed half of the fruit and his black coffee, he glanced guiltily at Sirius and excused himself. He stopped by where Fabian was sitting at the end of the table, nudged him on the shoulder and whispered the right words into his ear, arranging to meet that night, after everyone had vacated the common area.   
Fabian and him had hooked up a couple of times before, and while he wasn’t the best sex Remus had ever had, he was easy and eager to please.   
Remus sludged through the rest of the day, being attentive yet quiet in class, already ahead on most of the coursework, and opted out of lunch to sit in his private study room in the library, working on his additional courses. Usually, at sixth year level, there was only one English course offered, but Remus had shown such aptitude that Professor McGonagall had offered him a literature course that included ample independent research, and he jumped at the chance of another distraction.   
After he had finished his readings there was still half of lunch hour left and he didn’t want to leave his four walls of true privacy and worked his way through simple exercises, doing push ups until his arms shook and sit-ups until he felt too dizzy to go on.   
The rest of the day happened to him without him really noticing. Sirius was in his last class, and led him straight to dinner afterwards. Remus managed an entire bread roll, and actually participated in the conversation over the table. He was loosening up a little in anticipation of seeing Fabian tonight. Well, not so much seeing as using, but nonetheless, it was holding his interest.  
He wasted away the evening reading in the common room, waiting out all the fourth years who apparently had nothing better to do, all higher years already submersed in homework, and all lower years already asleep. It was around 11 when the prefects sent them off to bed, content to let innocent Remus Lupin finish his chapter before he turned in for the night. The room was barely empty for ten minutes before Fabian sauntered down the stairs. Remus was tucked away in a corner nook, barely visible to anyone who wasn’t looking for him.   
Fabian hovered above him for an awkward second before addressing him.   
“Alright Remus?”  
“Alright, Fabian” He apathetically replied to the older boy above him. He sighed deeply and threw aside his book before gesturing to his lap. “Get on with it then”.   
Fabian’s muscular body gracefully sat with a leg either side Remus as he kissed him tentatively.   
Remus lazily reciprocated for as long as he could handle before getting impatient and forcing his tongue into the other boy’s mouth, nipping lightly at his lip. Fabian rolled his hips gingerly, his erection prominent against Remus’ less enthusiastic groin. Remus silently brought Fabian’s hands up to his neck and encouraged him to choke lightly. Fabian pulled away quizzically.   
“Remus?”  
“You know I hate it when you talk” He snapped, mad that the small amount of relief he was able to get had been short lived.   
“I-I don’t want to hurt you”   
“But you like it when I do this” Remus said as his hands reached under Fabian’s shirt and scratched harshly down his back, making the other boy moan, “and this” he whispered, harshly slapping Fabian’s ass and eliciting another moan, “and this” he breathed, sucking a large, noticeable mark into Fabian’s neck, leaving a ring of tooth imprints and the other boy’s breath picked up, “and that all hurts you, so how is this” he brought the older boy’s hands up to his neck once more, “any different?”  
Fabian swallowed, obviously conflicted, his judgement clouded by lust. He brought his hands to Remus’ neck and pressed down ever so slightly at first, but kept going harder and harder. Remus could feel everything fade away, could see spots as he was eagerly rewarding Fabian with a hand down the front of his pyjama pants.   
At just the right moment, Fabian released and Remus took in a wracking breath. They stared at each other for a split second before Remus flipped them so he was on top, and began emphatically exploring the other boy’s mouth as he rid him of his pants. Remus stood up suddenly and Fabian looked at him confusedly.   
“Get up” Remus ordered, his lungs barely capable to cope with this breathlessness, “bend over the couch”.   
Fabian complied reluctantly.   
Remus was so impatient that it wasn’t long after he sunk into the wet heat of the other boy that he came, dully and meaninglessly, boredly jerking off Fabian to his emphatic completion.   
Fabian sat back to catch his breath as Remus yanked his clothes back on and grabbed his book.   
“Night” Remus tossed carelessly over his shoulder.  
Sirius heard Remus come in just before midnight and collapse straight into bed. Sirius got out of his warm mini-sanctuary and sat at the foot of Remus’ bed.   
“You okay?”  
Remus sat up with his eyes glassy, struggling to find the words.   
“Shit, Rem, what’s wrong”  
An uncomfortable beat of silence.   
“He didn’t… force y- “  
“God, Sirius, no, I just-“ He took a sharp breath, carefully choosing the next words that came out of his mouth, communicating exactly what he felt was always a challenge.   
“I try so hard to feel… empty”  
Sirius reached out and touched his hand, encouraging him to go on.  
“But there’s different kinds of empty, and when your heart feels empty- fuck, I don’t know Pads, I just need to sleep”   
“Do you need to be left alone?” Sirius asked cautiously.   
Remus didn’t answer, just slumped back into his bed, and smiled into the darkness when he felt Sirius slump behind him, stroking his hair softly.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gentle reminder this is an active work so to the twenty or so of you who have read this, I hope you bookmark and check back on the regular until I wrap this up.   
> Also, thank you to the small number of you leaving kudos. I like to think that I'm a pretty okay writer, but if you feel that my work doesn't deserve your kudos, can you at least leave a comment telling me what I can improve on?  
> Also tw for this chapter: starving, binging, purging.   
> Thanks loves

Weeks went by where everything was perfectly fine. Sirius was where he needed to be, Remus was keeping himself happy, his grades were soaring, he was eating regularly, and a good amount at that, it seemed like things were on the up.   
Until one morning. Until one stupid fucking morning, a morning where Remus woke up, and couldn’t do his belt quite as tight as he could the day before.   
Sirius had destroyed his scales and hidden any and all measuring tapes, but he knew he had gained something.   
It may has well had been everything.   
He could feel his world crashing around him. This was meant to be his opportunity to get back on track, not get worse.   
He started a newer regime, stricter than ever. Instead of going to breakfast, he ran around the empty grounds until he felt like passing out. Sirius was so preoccupied for the first three days that he just let it happen, fooled by Remus’ tactical strategies to make it look like he had eaten.   
It had been five days.   
Five days of nothing but coffee and water, and exercise. Remus was making amends with all the boys he had used just to shag them, to use them again, just another way to burn calories.   
He sat down to write an essay and couldn’t steady his hand, shaking as he tried to write. He couldn’t focus, he had no idea what subject this was for or what it was about and he was ready to cry. He knew it was risky, but he just laid his head down on the desk of his study room and let himself drift into sleep, prepared to skip afternoon class, not really caring anymore.   
James was the first one to come and check on him. Of course Sirius noticed, but he was used to everything going fine, but afraid that a single push in any direction would set Remus off.  
James lifted Remus’ head carefully and woke him.   
“Alright Remus?”  
Remus groaned sleepily, not fully aware of his surroundings yet.   
“Remus, you slept through history, Sirius and I were worried”  
“Sirius?” Remus mumbled sleepily.   
“Yes, Sirius and I. We haven’t seen you at meal times lately either, everything alright Moony?”  
“’s fine Prongs, just stressed with school work”  
“Sirius thinks it’s more than that”  
“the fuck does Sirius know?” Remus asked thickly, verging on anger.   
“The pair of you are so hopeless” James muttered, growing more frustrated as Remus didn’t reply, but just stared at him dumbly.  
“I think he loves you”  
That woke Remus up  
“Fuck off James” Remus said very seriously.   
“I mean, we all love you Remus, but I don’t know, I think Sirius loves you in a different way”  
“He’s not a fucking poof like me, is he?” Remus said angrily.   
“It doesn’t matter what he is, his first priority is you, and I’m not going to let him kill himself slowly over it”   
James really didn’t understand the situation.   
“You want me to fucking eat? You think I’m starving myself like some pathetic teenage girl? Let’s go to the dining hall and I’ll show you how fucking ridiculous you are” Remus said, expertly throwing James off the mark he was creeping up on.   
Remus slumped loudly into his seat and began helping himself to everything in sight. He piled his plate up with potatoes, bread, roast beef, and stared pointedly at James while doing it all. He had much more on his plate that anyone around him, and began shovelling it all into his mouth emphatically. Sirius joined them just as Remus started throwing it all back and almost couldn’t believe what he saw.   
The first bite burned, it always does.   
After that, it wasn’t taste, it wasn’t a feeling. It was numbers and nutrients and proving a point. He ate with such vigour that Sirius knew something was wrong, but was just so relieved to see Remus eat a decent portion that he let it happen.   
His plate was empty in a matter of minutes, and Remus stood up boldly, staring at James as he did. He nodded across the table then left without a word, walking calmly out of the room, but bolting to the dorm and throwing himself into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.   
Before he could stop himself he was shoving his fingers down his throat and feeling the burn as it all came back up. The third time he did it, just plain stomach acid burned the inside of his mouth, and he knew it was all gone. He didn’t let himself sit, or wallow. He got up, brushed his teeth, wrote his essay, and was lying in bed before the other three boys entered the dorm.   
Remus knew exactly how this story ended, he knew that he was playing a dangerous game, he could feel his walls closing around him. He knew that he had a choice.   
Let himself get disgustingly, deathly, sick again,   
or   
trust the only person he could in this world.   
The one thing he had learnt over the summer, was that there was always a choice, and this time, he really wanted to make the right one.


End file.
